


Remember to Forgive

by IndelibleEvidence



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2019-08-26 21:38:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16689346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndelibleEvidence/pseuds/IndelibleEvidence
Summary: After a traumatic head injury, Kurt Weller wakes in hospital to find that nothing makes sense. The last thing he remembers is that Jane Doe was sent by a terrorist cell to infiltrate his team. Why is she now sitting by his bedside, holding his hand and insisting that they're married? Set late season 3.





	1. Chapter 1

"Kurt? Oh, thank god. You're awake."

As Kurt Weller returned to consciousness, the first thing he felt was excruciating pain pulsing through his head. He groaned, reaching up to check his skull was still intact, and his hand met a swathe of bandages. Something had definitely happened to him. Was he in the hospital?

Someone was holding his other hand, and he wondered if Sarah had come over from Portland. She was the only one he could think of close enough to him to hold his hand these days.

He tried to open his eyes, and grunted with the pain, giving up the attempt. It was too bright in the room right now.

"It's okay, keep your eyes closed. Patterson's gone for the doctor. Let me get the lights."

He recognised the voice now, and it made no sense. Why was _Jane Doe_ sitting at his bedside, holding his hand?

"Jane?" he managed, his voice emerging hoarse and scratchy.

"Yeah. Don't worry; I'm still here." The room suddenly grew dimmer, and he cracked open one eye experimentally. Everything was blurry, and it still hurt, but it was progress.

She returned to his side and took his hand again, holding it as tenderly as though they were lovers.

"Why?" he asked.

"Why are you in the hospital?"

_No. Why are you here?_

Before he could ask, she answered her own question. "You had an accident. A suspect was fleeing arrest. He ducked into a construction site and climbed some scaffolding. It collapsed right on top of you."

 _Well, that explains the head injury._ He blinked a few times, and his vision cleared. At least he still had his sight.

He focused on Jane. Last time he'd seen her, her face had been covered in bruises, and she'd had a gunshot wound in her side. She looked much different now. She was wearing more makeup than he was used to seeing on her, and she seemed to have regained the weight she'd lost at the black site. How long had he been unconscious? Months, from looking at Jane.

"You were in a coma for over two weeks," she told him, tears in her eyes, and pressed the back of his hand to her lips. "I've been so worried about you."

He wrenched his hand out of her grip, angry at her familiar touches and tone after what she'd done. "Why are you here, Jane? Was the case related to one of your tattoos? Is it making you feel guilty? Because it should."

"What?" Her expression filled with hurt, and she rose from her chair. "Kurt, I don't understand."

Her reaction made no sense. "Why are you acting like I don't remember you're not Taylor? Like things are like the way they were before my father died?"

Jane froze, fear and disbelief in her expression. "Kurt—"

"You're a terrorist, Jane. I can't just forgive you for that, even with a head injury."

Jane wrapped her arms around her waist defensively. "Kurt, what's the last thing you remember? The last case we worked, what was it?"

He thought back, impatient with the change of subject. "Uh… We just stopped those stinger missiles from being used to take out a plane full of Mexican politicians."

Jane sat down hard, staring at him.

"What?" Kurt was beginning to get the feeling something was very wrong.

"You don't remember the past three years, do you?" she murmured, almost to herself.

He shook his head. "I don't know what you're trying to pull, Jane, but this isn't funny. Get out of here, and get me my team. Reade. Patterson. Zapata. Hell, even Nas. Anyone but you."

She flinched at his words. "Look at your left hand, Kurt."

"What?"

"Just look." Her voice was quiet, but insistent.

He glanced down, then did a double-take at the wedding band sitting on his left ring finger. "I don't… What is this, Jane?"

In reply, she sadly held up her own left hand. A much more delicate ring adorned her finger, but still, the implication was slow to register with him.

"I'm your wife, Kurt. I know this might seem impossible, if you can't remember anything since just after we found out who I really am…but we've been married for over two and a half years."

Kurt couldn't help it. Despite the pounding in his head, he broke into derisive laughter. "This is ridiculous. You can't possibly think I'd buy this. Is this even a real hospital, or has Sandstorm set this all up to try to get information from me?"

A tear fell down Jane's cheek, and she brushed it away, looking towards the door.

"Until I see my team, I'm not trusting a word you say. Get out."

Jane didn't move, her eyes closed against more tears. "Kurt, please—"

"Get out!" Kurt insisted, and she finally moved, leaving the room at a fast walk without looking back.

* * *

"Jane? Oh, god, what's wrong?" Patterson caught her by the shoulders as she headed blindly down the hallway, fighting tears.

As the doctor in charge of Kurt's case stepped past her and went into his private room, Jane swallowed a sob, trying to get herself under control. "He…" She took a deep breath, then continued, "He has amnesia. The last thing he remembers is just after I came back to the FBI after the black site."

Patterson's eyes widened. "Oh, Jane…"

"I tried to tell him we were married, but he thought it was another Sandstorm plot. He made me leave, but he wants to see you and Reade and Zapata. You should go in and calm him down."

Patterson hesitated. "I don't want to leave you out here on your own."

"It's okay," Jane said, needing more than anything for her confused husband to see a familiar face. "He needs you more than I do. I'll… I'll call the others."

"Okay," Patterson said softly, and gave Jane a quick hug. "I'll try to talk some sense into him. Head injuries are tricky. He'll remember in time, I'm sure."

As her friend went to check on Kurt, Jane went into the ladies' room and locked herself in a stall, trying to take slow, deep breaths to calm herself down.

They'd been so much happier since Avery had moved in with them, finally putting the painful past behind them and beginning to look to the future. They were closing in on Roman and Crawford, and it seemed like there might even be a point when they could move back to Colorado, if they wanted to.

Had all of that progress been lost? Kurt couldn't even remember forgiving her for her involvement with Mayfair's death. He'd called her a terrorist.

A memory hit her, sharp and agonising. Kurt telling Zapata, _I can't even stand to be in the same room as her._

She was already so exhausted from over two weeks of sitting at Kurt's bedside, terrified he'd never wake up. Having him conscious was a huge relief, but now this…

Jane lost her fragile grasp on control and wept, leaning against the side of the bathroom stall for support. She and Kurt had come so far since those days, their bond forged through danger and adrenaline, each successful case bringing them closer as she'd proved herself to him. What if he never regained those memories? Could he ever trust her again?

* * *

"Patterson! Thank god. I was starting to think this wasn't even a real hospital."

Patterson stopped by the door as the doctor, who'd examined his pupils and asked him a few basic questions, murmured a few words to her before leaving the room.

"It's a real hospital, Weller," Patterson said gently, sitting in the chair Jane had been occupying. "And it's 2018."

"How is that even possible?" He closed his eyes, fighting dizziness. The bright light the doctor had shone in his eyes hadn't helped his headache.

"The doctor's going to get someone to grab a copy of today's paper, if you need the proof." Patterson leaned forward. "But it's true. And you and Jane really _did_ get married."

With every second that passed, Kurt could feel fear building up on the edges of his senses. It just wasn't possible that he could have lost memories of years of his life over one accident. But mostly he was numb, his panic held at bay by denial.

 _Jane lost all her memories._ He seized on that, sickened by the possibility.

"Patterson, I want you to take some of my blood and test it for traces of ZIP. It's just too much of a coincidence that I've lost memories right when I've been working a case based around amnesia."

Patterson looked uncomfortable. "I'm not gonna do that. A scaffold fell on you. Reade was right there with you when it happened, heading around to the opposite side in case the suspect jumped off that way. He saw the accident. And head trauma causes amnesia."

"Damn it, Patterson, I'm your boss. This is an order."

She bit her lip. "Umm, actually… You're not. Reade has your job now. After you and Jane moved to Colorado, he stepped up, and when you got back, you went back to Supervisory Special Agent."

Kurt was feeling more and more lost by the second. "This makes no sense. Even if Jane and I did get married, why would we move to Colorado? Our lives are here, in New York. And why would we move there and come back after such a short time?"

After a few rapid blinks and a glance at the door, as though someone else might save her from this conversation, Patterson groaned. "I don't even know how much I should be telling you. I don't want to overload your brain the first hour you're conscious."

"I feel like hell," Kurt admitted, rubbing a hand across his eyes. "I'm so confused, I just…" He didn't even know what he wanted to say.

After a moment of Patterson looking at him sympathetically, her whole demeanour brightened. "Oh!" She began to fiddle with her phone. "I still have a couple of pictures from your wedding saved here. Let me just… There."

Kurt took the phone and stared down at the picture on the screen. In it, he and Jane were in each other's arms, gazing at each other with loving smiles, seeming oblivious to everything else around them. The picture cut off at their midsections, but Jane was clearly wearing a white lace dress that showed off her tattoos, rather than hiding them.

"This… This is our wedding day?" They looked so happy. How could he have gotten past all of Jane's deception, her lies about being Taylor, the way she'd planted evidence to make Mayfair look guilty? She'd watched Mayfair die after her fiancé had pulled the trigger.

He felt like he'd betrayed himself. Not only himself, but Taylor and Mayfair, too.

"You haven't had the easiest marriage, but you're together, and you're happy now. Or at least, you were until this accident." Patterson gave him a slightly reproving look. "I'm not blaming you, because I can't even imagine how confused you are. But Jane's devastated that you don't remember. Next time you see her, try not to be so harsh, okay?"

Kurt looked one more time at the picture and then handed back the phone, wondering why he felt so guilty. "Did we at least get Shepherd?"

Patterson smiled. "Yes."

Kurt couldn't help a sigh of relief. It felt strange to take Sandstorm off his list of worries—as though he'd cheated to solve the case— but he got the feeling that was because he couldn't remember the details.

"You guys arrested her in Washington, DC, and now the CIA have her in a black site somewhere. We stopped Phase Two and saved millions of lives, and Nas eventually went back to Zero Division. Though she did get fired and go moonlighting for the CIA for a while. There were…circumstances."

"Okay. So how did we get her? What was Phase Two?" It was easier to focus on work than on his personal life.

He threw questions at Patterson as she outlined the case for him, and was just trying to come to terms with the fact that Shepherd had been watching him since back when he'd been at military school, and that Borden had been a Sandstorm plant all along, when Tasha and Reade appeared in the doorway. And behind them was—Rich Dotcom?

"What the hell is _he_ doing here?" Kurt demanded.

"Okay, that's a little hurtful. I'm here because I've been worried sick about you, just like the rest of these guys. Geez."

"He consults for the FBI now," Reade filled in.

Every time Kurt thought he might be beginning to get a grip on the situation, something else twisted out of his grasp. "What? Last time I saw him, he jumped off a building to escape FBI custody, wearing a parachute built into his tux."

Rich grinned. "Ahhh, one of my finest moments," he said nostalgically.

"I'm gonna go check on Jane, and _you_ are gonna come with me, before poor Weller's head explodes," Patterson told him, heading for the door and yanking Rich out of sight.

Reade and Zapata came further into the room. "So, what do you want us to fill you in on first?" Tasha asked. "Politics, or sports?"

Kurt groaned. "I don't think I can handle anything that doesn't relate directly to my life right now." He looked up at Reade. "I hear you have my job these days. If you were the one who hired Rich, I really don't think much of your judgment."

Reade and Tasha exchanged a look. "I don't even know where to start," Reade said. "Did you even _meet_ Hirst?"

"Hirst?" Kurt asked blankly.

"She was the director after Pellington," Tasha said, sitting down. Then she froze. "Oh, god. I'm assuming no one got around to telling you what happened to Pellington."

"Glad I brought the Sandstorm file with me. We're gonna need it," Reade added.


	2. Bombshells

“There’s so much he won’t remember,” Jane said, shaking her head.

She, Patterson and Rich were in the hospital cafeteria, where the food wasn’t fantastic, but at least it was edible. Jane picked at her meal, her appetite receding further every time she remembered something else Kurt _wouldn’t._

Rich, on the other hand, was eating enough for all three of them. “Hey, don’t worry. Amnesiacs usually get most of their memories back, though obviously your case is a little different. But since we know Weller didn’t get a huge dose of ZIP…”

Patterson sighed. “He actually wanted me to take his blood and test it for traces of ZIP. I told him no, this was clearly a different case.”

Jane looked up from her plate. “I think you should do it.”

Frowning, Patterson took a sip of her coffee before responding. “Okay… Run your logic by me.”

“Roman put bioluminescent tattoos all over my body while I was in and out of consciousness after an accident. It’s not too far a stretch to assume that he might have snuck into Kurt’s room while none of us were there, and injected him.” Jane shrugged. “It might come to nothing, but I think we should try it, just to be safe.”

“You have a point,” Patterson admitted.

“And whether or not there’s ZIP in his bloodstream, Jane gets to look like the good guy for taking his side. It’s a win-win,” Rich added, grinning.

“I’m not trying to manipulate him. I _am_ the good guy, Rich. I’m his wife.” Jane pushed away her food. “God, he’s not gonna remember he has a child. That _I_ have a child.”

“That you ran away for eighteen months without saying goodbye. That you left him when you thought he’d killed your daughter. That you guys only really recently only got back on even ground after that…” Rich added.

“Thanks, Rich. I can always count on you,” Jane said, fighting the urge to rub his face in his mashed potatoes. _At least Rich doesn’t know about that night with Clem._

“What did the doctor say about taking him home?” Patterson asked gently.

“Tomorrow night, maybe. They want to observe him for twenty-four hours before they release him, do a scan to check the level of brain swelling, since now they know amnesia is involved.” Jane rubbed her hands over her face wearily. “I don’t know if he’s gonna want me to be his nursemaid. After all, I’m just a terrorist, right?”

“He doesn’t really think that, Jane.” Patterson put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I was around at the time, remember? I saw what he was like when you were out of the room, when you were _in_ the room, when he didn’t think anyone was watching him… He was in love with you even back then. And yeah, having you back on the team hit him hard, but it really didn’t take that long for him to warm up to you again.”

“Sure,” Rich agreed. “He was obviously still head over heels for you when I dropped by for help with my Akkadian problem. That wasn’t that long after you got back, right?”

Jane faked a smile, wishing she could believe their reassurances. How could she explain to them that the problem wasn’t just the way Kurt felt about her, but it was also the amount that he was willing to let her in? He used to have such a hard time communicating his feelings to her, and even when he’d started admitting how he felt about situations, it had been one glimpse through a crack in his walls, then him hurriedly repairing the breach before she could get through.

It had been a month or so before their wedding when he’d actually started demolishing those walls in earnest. They’d still both had their problems with secrets, but their communication as a couple had been a lot better. To be back at square one with Kurt was more painful than she wanted to admit.

“I don’t know what will happen,” she told her friends, sighing. “But we’ll get through it somehow. We’ve gotten through everything else, right?”

“Right,” Patterson said, smiling at her. “And the difference this time around is that we’ll know we can trust you, even if Kurt doesn’t know if _he_ can. That should bring him around faster.”

“Fingers crossed,” Jane said softly.

“And hey, I’ve been rooting for the two of you since day one,” Rich said. “When you guys were playing a married couple, back when you first busted me, it was impossible to tell that you weren’t actually married. And that was way back before you actually got together. Hey, maybe you guys should do another undercover mission. That excitement, that sexual tension…it could help you re-bond.”

Jane and Patterson exchanged a glance.

“Sure, I’ll get right on solving a tattoo that needs that exact scenario,” Patterson said.

“Hey, I can get in touch with Carl if you want to go back to the Hamptons. In all seriousness, though,” Rich said, and reached out to take Jane’s hand across the table. “You two are meant to be together. You’ve come through every obstacle that was ever thrown at you, and you haven’t looked back. This isn’t gonna be any different, Jane.”

Despite the unlikely source of the reassurance, Jane couldn’t help but feel a little more optimistic at his words. “Thanks, Rich.”

“So, who do you think should tell him about Bethany?” Patterson asked.

Jane was getting a headache just thinking about it. “Under the circumstances? Probably anyone but me.”

“I’ll do it, if you want,” Rich offered.

“Anyone but me or you, Rich. Sorry.”

* * *

When Jane had come back into the room and asked for a word with Reade, Kurt had wondered what the hell was going on. He was distracted by Patterson arriving and taking some of his blood for testing, but when Reade came back and asked Zapata to step out… _Well, this can’t be good._

“So, uh… Everyone decided it was probably best for me to be the one to tell you this.”

Kurt searched his mind for possibilities. “Reade, if you tell me you and my sister are getting married, I swear…”

Reade grinned. “Nah. Though I _am_ getting married. To a New York Times journalist, actually.”

Kurt shook his head, more out of confusion than anything else. “I swear, if I wake up to find this has all been some crazy dream, I won’t be surprised. You’re in a committed relationship. Tasha’s CIA. Borden was a mole. Patterson went corporate. Rich Dotcom works for the FBI. Pellington’s dead. Jane’s my _wife_ …”

“Oh, I’m betting I can still surprise you, man.” Reade settled into his chair.

Wearily, Kurt gestured for him to go on.

“Remember just after Jane went into the black site, and you had that one-night thing with Allie?”

Kurt stared at him. “I don’t remember actually telling anyone about that.”

“You, uh, didn’t. But it became pretty obvious a few months later, when you told us you were gonna be a dad.”

Kurt’s mind went blank. “What?”

“You have a two-year-old daughter. Congratulations…again.”

“I have a kid. With a woman who’s not my wife.”

“Yup. But even though she’s not her biological mom, Jane was with you when you first met Bethany. She loves her as much as you do.”

“Bethany.” It was the name that actually made him start to believe. He’d named his child after Mayfair. He’d always thought he’d name a kid after Taylor, but then Jane had screwed that one up. “Do you… Are there pictures?”

“I’m willing to bet there’s at least one in here,” Reade said, and threw him his wallet.

Kurt opened it with hands that shook slightly, and drew out a slightly crumpled photograph of himself and Jane, posing with a dark-haired teenage girl and a blonde toddler. He stared at the toddler for a long moment, wonderstruck. “She looks just like Sarah did at her age.”

When he looked up at Reade again, he was embarrassed to realise his eyes were filling with tears. “I have a daughter. Can I—? When can I meet her?”

“Tomorrow, hopefully. Jane let Allie know you’re awake, and they’ll be flying out as soon as they can.”

Kurt just kept staring at the picture of his daughter. “Bethany…Weller?”

“Knight-Weller. You guys have joint custody, but since Allie and Connor live just outside of Denver, it’s a long-distance parenting gig for you while we’re dealing with Roman.”

Suddenly, Patterson’s comments about Colorado made much more sense. “Okay. I, uh… Shit. Am I a good dad?”

Reade rolled his eyes. “Trust me; aside from being a little over-protective, you’re the greatest dad any kid could have. Back when you lived over there, you had Bethany whenever Allie had to work and you didn’t. You adore that girl. And she loves you.”

Kurt let out his breath slowly. “I just thought, since my dad was—”

“Nah. Don’t even think that.” Reade shook his head.

After a moment, Kurt frowned. “Wait. I’m letting a terrorist help to bring up my kid?”

Reade sighed. “Stop it, man. Remi was the terrorist. Not Jane. When she came out of the bag, she started fresh. She just got manipulated when she was confused, is all.” He leaned forward, almost threateningly. “I know you’re confused. But if you can’t trust her, trust _me_ when I say she’s more than proved herself.”

Feeling almost like he’d just been reprimanded by the school principal, Kurt raised his eyebrows. “Okay.”

One more look down at the photo, and he finally registered the fourth person in it. “Who’s the teenager?”

Reade got up from his chair. “Ahhh… That one’s not for me to tell. You’ll have to take it up with Jane.”

“She’s Jane’s?” _What the hell?_ He was less shocked than he had been when learning about Bethany, but to find out that Jane had had a teenage pregnancy was still pretty surprising.

“Uhhh… I’m just gonna…”

“Reade. I already guessed. Sit down.”

His friend resumed his seat, sighing. “Fine. Yeah. Shepherd took Avery away when she was a newborn, when Jane was still recovering from the birth. She gave the kid to a fixer who adopted her out without Jane’s consent. After Avery’s parents died, she came looking for Jane. There’s more to that story, but I’m really not the one to tell it.”

Despite his conflicted feelings about Jane, Kurt’s stomach twisted as he thought of how devastated she must have been when she’d discovered her mother had given away her child. He’d only known about Bethany for a few minutes, didn’t remember ever having met her, but the thought of someone stealing her away… He forced himself to relax.

“You guys aren’t the most conventional family, but you make it work. You’ll see. And hopefully, soon you’ll remember.”

Kurt’s head was still pounding, and getting worse. “Can I ask you a favour?”

“Shoot.”

“No more new information today. From anybody. Please.”

Reade nodded ruefully. “I can see how the parenting info was the last straw. Don’t worry, I think visiting hours are almost over, anyway. But Jane wanted to say goodbye before she goes home for the night. I _strongly_ suggest you bite your tongue if you feel the urge to use the T-word again.”

“Noted.” To see Reade, who had been so suspicious of Jane at first, standing up for her now—that gave Kurt a flash of shame at the way he’d spoken to his wife. “Thanks, bud. For your honest opinions.”

“You’ll always get those. Get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Kurt closed his eyes as Reade left, hoping the headache would recede. His mind was buzzing with all the new information he’d been trying to absorb over the past few hours, but despite all of the important facts he’d learned, only three of them preoccupied him now.

Shepherd had been watching him, and guiding the path of his life, since military school.

He had a daughter.

He was married to Jane Doe.

“Hey.”

At the sound of Jane’s quiet voice, he made himself open his eyes. His wife was standing uncertainly in the doorway, looking prepared to leave if he so much as frowned. _She really must be tired—or she’s changed a lot since I can remember._ When Jane wanted to do something, she usually had no problem letting him know, as forcefully as necessary.

“Come in,” he said wearily. “Just, please, don’t tell me anything I don’t already know.”

Jane came in and sat beside him, her guard raised a little. “I remember what it’s like. Nothing else new, I promise.”

He couldn’t help but feel guilty for the way he’d snapped at her when he’d first woken up. Part of him didn’t know how he could ever have forgiven her for the massive breaches of trust she’d committed. But as he watched her, another part of him understood only too well. Whenever Jane Doe was around, he subconsciously resonated on her frequency. Even now, when he was still raw from her betrayals and Mayfair’s death, he had the urge to reach out and touch her hand.

“At least I don’t have it as bad as you did,” he said. “I still recognise everyone—at least, everyone who was here today.”

“How’s it feel to learn you’re a father?” Jane asked gently.

“About as weird as it feels to learn that I’m a husband,” he admitted, looking down at the ring on his finger again. He didn’t seem to be able to stop staring at it. “I… I’m sorry I was harsh earlier.”

“Under the circumstances, I understand.” She gave him the same kind of look he remembered from the day she’d told him she’d wanted to be Taylor, and that was why she’d lied about remembering fishing with him. Her expression was sad, and somehow yearning. “I’d ask if you have any questions, but I guess if you don’t want to know anything new today…”

“Maybe tomorrow.” He rubbed his forehead, hoping the pressure would help the pain. It didn’t. “Jane… Patterson told me you backed me up about the whole blood testing thing. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She shrugged. “Roman is tricky. And if it were me, I’d want to be sure, too.”

A nurse came into the room and checked Kurt’s chart. “Visiting hours are over, folks. Sorry, Ms. Doe, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.”

“Sure.” Jane shot her a quick smile, then stood up, looking at Kurt a little awkwardly.

“You didn’t take my name when we got married?” Kurt asked, mainly just to break the tension. “Even though your name is literally code for ‘anonymous female’?”

Jane laughed. “We had this conversation on the run-up to the wedding. You thought I should change it then, too. But really, I like being Jane Doe, even though when I tell the bank or the insurance company, they think I’m prank-calling them. It’s the name it feels kinda like I was born with. As me, not as…” She glanced at the nurse before finishing, “…who I was before the ZIP.”

Kurt nodded, fighting back a touch of melancholy that he didn’t remember any of their wedding planning. Or the wedding. Or the honeymoon. Or even how they’d gotten together.

“I’d better go, before they try to kick me out.” Jane stepped towards the door, her eyes on his face. “Get some rest, okay? I love you.”

Kurt froze for a moment at the easy way she’d just confessed her love for him. By the time he’d recovered enough to wonder if she expected him to say it back, she was already out of sight.

A few months ago—a few months and a couple of _years_ , he reminded himself bitterly—hearing those simple, heartfelt words from Jane would have been a dream come true. But that was back when he’d thought he’d known her. When he’d thought she was Taylor Shaw.

Even so, as the nurse took his vitals and quietly left again, he couldn’t shake the sense of elation Jane’s admission had left him with. _She loves me._

It affected him as profoundly as learning about Bethany had. He didn’t want it to mean anything—not after the way she’d lied to him—but he couldn’t deny it. A part of him still loved her, too.


	3. Father-Daughter Time

“So, how’d you sleep?”

The day shift nurse, who’d introduced herself as Annie, shadowed Kurt back from the bathroom to his bed. Having been in a coma for a couple of weeks, he was now what was referred to as ‘deconditioned’—his muscles had become weaker and unaccustomed to their usual function, and it would take a few days for him to stop staggering around.

Reaching the bed, Kurt dragged himself back under the covers, resenting how exhausted a simple trip to the bathroom had made him. Not only had he lost some of his memories, but his physical fitness had been affected, too. It didn’t seem fair.

“I slept pretty well. Except…when I didn’t.” Kurt had woken up several times, and each time the weight of his situation had hit him like a freight train.

_Shepherd paid for my school scholarship, stopped my promotion to the DC office of the FBI._

_I have a two-year-old daughter with Allie Knight._

_I’m married to Jane Doe._

He’d filtered out most of the rest, too overwhelmed to process it all. But those three things were enough to keep him obsessing. What else might Shepherd have controlled over the course of his life? How would his visit with Bethany go today? Was he a good parent? And how the hell had things changed so drastically between him and Jane?

The nurse smiled at him sympathetically, helping him draw the covers back up over himself. “Your chart says you have some memory lapses. Let me just put in a good word for your wife. She’s been here every day, from the moment visiting hours start to the moment we kick her out. The only time she leaves is when one of your friends is visiting you, and even then, she looks like she wants to stick around. She’s been so worried about you.”

“Thank you,” Kurt said, too tired to tell her he thought she was overstepping her bounds a little. He rubbed his aching forehead as Annie left the room.

Everyone seemed to have glowing words of praise for Jane these days. He just couldn’t reconcile them with the things she’d done behind his back, the danger she’d put Mayfair in—even if it had been unintentional. She’d still done illegal things at Oscar’s bidding, all for selfish gain.

_Would you really have done differently if you were in her position? What if you didn’t even know who you were, let alone what you’d been doing over the past couple of years?_

Kurt scowled and turned his attention to his breakfast tray. It might be 2018, but hospital food still sucked, and probably would forever. It seemed fitting to accompany his irritable mindset with a terrible meal.

* * *

At around ten in the morning, his first visitor arrived, leaning in the doorway with a smile. “Hey. How are you holding up?”

“Allie, hey. Good to see you.” Kurt beckoned her in, noting that she was alone. Had she brought their daughter with her? Was he about to meet Bethany? “Uhhh, not sure how to answer that question.”

She came to sit by his bedside, looking relieved. “I’m just glad you’re awake. I know things are a little overwhelming right now, so I’ll let you lead the conversation.”

One thing Kurt had always appreciated about Allie was her lack of bullshit. Whatever her opinion was, she’d give it honestly, and in this kind of situation, that was exactly what he needed.

“So, we had a kid. Didn’t see that one coming.”

Allie grinned. “Wow, I haven’t seen that look on your face since the end of my second trimester. I guess you’re just as shocked now as you were the first time you heard.”

He was just about to make a sarcastic remark about being glad she was finding this whole thing so amusing, when she turned serious. “Yes. We did. I guess your memory lapse starts just before I told you about it, three months into the pregnancy. I wasn’t actually sure if I was gonna keep the baby, since we’d only had a one-night thing, and I was starting to see Connor…”

“Wait—not _that_ Connor?” He made himself roll his eyes, giving her a hard time to mask the sudden queasiness he felt at the thought that his daughter might not have existed. Sure, it would have been a valid choice for Allie, and he never would have begrudged it if she had terminated the pregnancy—but he’d already grown attached to the child he’d seen in the photograph.

“Yes, _that_ Connor. You guys actually get on great these days. Which is good, because I’m starting to think seriously about marrying him.” She shook her head. “But that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about. Do you feel up to meeting Bee today?”

“That’s what we call her? Bee?” As Allie nodded, butterflies flitted around his stomach. “I’d like to, i-if you think it’s a good idea. I just…don’t remember ever being her dad, you know? What if I screw it up? Confuse her?”

“Kurt, you’re a natural. Okay, I guess you had the same learning curve to go through as I did, back when we were new parents, but I think you adapted quicker than I did. And now she can walk and talk, she’ll probably be the one controlling everything about this anyway.”

Kurt nodded, wondering how he could possibly be a good parent when his own father had been so terrible.

Allie took his hand and squeezed, sensing his fear. “You’re nothing like your dad, Kurt. And Bee loves you.”

Kurt took a deep breath. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

“I’ll go get her.” She got a few steps towards the door, then turned. “I haven’t told her you don’t remember her, so if she asks you something you don’t know the answer to, don’t panic. I’ll step in and distract her if I need to.”

“Thanks, Allie.”

A couple of minutes passed, while he fought his nerves and excitement to meet his daughter. When Allie reappeared, a blonde-haired toddler clinging to her, his heart leapt.

“Here we go.” Allie came up to the side of the bed and sat Bethany down.

The child turned to smile at him, and Kurt’s heart melted like butter under a hot knife.

“Oh no! Daddy got ouchies!” Bethany leaned over and frowned at the dressing on Kurt’s forehead. “You okay, Daddy?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He fought back tears, overwhelmed by the love he felt as he spoke to his daughter. “Are _you_ okay?”

Bethany looked from Kurt to Allie, obviously distressed. “Daddy’s crying!”

“It’s okay,” he tried to reassure her, smiling. “I’m crying ‘cause I’m happy to see you.”

Bethany considered that, then giggled. “Silly Daddy.”

“Yeah, I am pretty silly, huh? You gonna tell me what’s been going on since I last saw you?”

Bethany launched into a bunch of rapid-fire toddler-speak, her words half-formed and garbled. Most of what she said, Kurt couldn’t interpret, and he looked at Allie helplessly.

“Don’t worry,” Allie told him. “At this age, it takes some getting used to before you’ll understand much. She’s talking about daycare.”

Kurt asked a few questions and got enthusiastic, partially comprehensible answers—his daughter was apparently not shy in the slightest. When Allie moved away from his bedside, he glanced up to watch her take a toy medical kit from Jane in the doorway.

“Jaaaaaaane,” Bethany called, smiling and reaching out a hand.

“I’m right here, Bee. I’m just gonna go get something to drink, okay? I just brought your doctor bag.” Jane looked from the little girl in his lap up into Kurt’s face, her expression soft. “Morning.”

Part of him was embarrassed to be so openly emotional in front of her, but another part of him overrode it, as though he was used to her seeing him this way. “Hey.”

She withdrew before he could say anything else to her. He would have spent time wondering about that, but now that Bethany had her plastic stethoscope, there was no stopping her.

Kurt was treated to the full extent of Bethany’s imaginary medical qualifications, helped along by suggestions from Allie. By the time Bethany had very gently applied a Band-Aid on top of his real wound dressing, Kurt wasn’t sure his heart had ever felt so full.

“I’ll get better really soon now. Thanks, Bee.” He kissed the top of her head.

“Hey, Bethany, wanna go get some chocolate pudding from the cafeteria?” Patterson asked from the doorway.

“Oh, Bee, your favourite!” Allie said. “You wanna go? Daddy needs to have a rest so the Band-Aid can work.”

“Yesssss. Aunt Patsun, carry me!” Bethany entreated.

“Okay, pack up your toys first, and I will,” Patterson told her.

“Chocolate pudding at ten-thirty in the morning?” Kurt asked Allie sceptically.

Allie grinned. “Only because this is a special circumstance. We figured you’d need a break. See, your parenting instincts work fine. No swearing, no chocolate before lunch…”

Patterson approached the bed. “Hey, Kurt. How are you feeling?”

 _In love with this perfect little girl._ He didn’t say it, but he didn’t have to. He could tell Patterson already understood how overwhelmed he was right now. “A little better than yesterday. Thanks.”

Patterson nodded. “Your blood was negative for ZIP, by the way. It looks like the amnesia’s a hundred percent head trauma induced.”

That was a relief. “Thanks for checking.”

“Say goodbye to Daddy, Bee,” Allie said gently.

“Do I get a hug?” Kurt asked, and laughed as Bethany threw her entire body weight into his chest and shoulder.

“Bye, Daddy. I love you!”

“Love you too, Bee,” he told her, meaning it more than he’d ever meant anything in his life.

After smacking a theatrical, wet kiss onto his cheek, complete with a ‘mwah!’ sound effect, Bethany held out her arms to Patterson, who picked the toddler up.

“Catch you guys later,” Patterson said, gathering her squirmy burden a little closer.

Once she’d left the room, Bethany waving over her shoulder, Kurt realised how quiet and peaceful the atmosphere was. He looked at Allie and laughed a little, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.

“I… I don’t know what to say.” He let his breath out slowly, shaking his head. “She’s perfect.”

Allie smiled and rolled her eyes. “I don’t know if you’ll use that word to describe her once you’ve rediscovered what her tantrums are like. But she’s pretty amazing, huh? Somehow, she came from that awful, drunken one-night stand we had.”

“It wasn’t _that_ awful,” he said automatically.

Allie gave him a sceptical look until he grinned. “Okay, maybe it wasn’t one of our greatest hits. But I’m glad we had it. Even though we didn’t work out.”

“Yeah, we’re much better as friends.” Allie levelled a stern look at him. “Which brings me to the next chapter in my visit.”

“You’re gonna give me a hard time about…giving Jane a hard time.” By this point, he wasn’t surprised.

“Bingo.” Allie sighed. “I know what she did. I also saw her bending over backwards to fix it, and she never pretended you shouldn’t be hurt or angry about what happened.”

Kurt nodded. “I get what you’re saying. I just—”

“Hey, still talking, here,” she told him, and he suppressed a smile as she continued. _She hasn’t changed at all._

“Not long after I told you I was pregnant, we worked a joint case and ended up separated. Jane and I were at one end of the building, and you and Nas were at the other. We were vastly outnumbered, with bad guys in between our two mini-teams. I got shot in the thigh, and you couldn’t get back to us.”

Even though the situation had long passed, Kurt couldn’t help but tense up. Allie and their unborn child had been in serious danger? “What happened?”

“Relax. We came through it fine—thanks to Jane. As she was putting a tourniquet on my leg, I told her I was pregnant with your baby, and she had no idea up until that point. She was pretty shocked, and knowing the way she’s always felt about you, I don’t blame her. But she got herself together, covered me and protected me, then picked me up and carried me when I couldn’t walk any further. She was about to get shot in the back trying to get me to the exit door, when you and Nas finally arrived and took out the threat behind us.”

Kurt was startled to realise the idea of Jane taking shots to protect Allie and the baby was just as viscerally distressing as hearing about Allie’s injury. He blew out a relieved breath as Allie sat back. “I would have been happier not remembering that happened.”

“I didn’t tell you to make you worry. I told you because Jane was willing to die to save your baby’s life, and mine. She’s not perfect, but that day, she went a long way to fixing what was broken between you two. That was why I wanted to mention it. God knows she won’t tell you about it herself.”

Kurt nodded. “Thanks, Allie.” He hesitated. “You and Bethany were okay? No complications to the pregnancy?”

“We were fine. Everything else went without a hitch, and you saw the result. Bee is—”

“Perfect,” Kurt said again, his mind returning to the little girl.

“Just wait until you’ve had custody of her for a weekend and had to clean up her failed attempts at potty training. You’ll find a better word.” Allie stood up, amused. “Okay, I’m gonna go make sure she doesn’t coax a second helping of chocolate pudding out of ‘Aunt Patsun’. We’ll come back late afternoon, if you’re not too tired. Jane will probably visit in an hour or so, but you should get some rest first.”

“You guys have a whole schedule worked out?” he asked, frowning.

“Yeah. You’ve had everyone pretty worried.” She smiled and headed for the door. “Take a nap. You might not be a toddler, but I know you need one.”


	4. A Difficult Discussion

Jane took a deep breath outside the door to Kurt’s room. The nurse on duty, who’d been checking his vitals, came back out and gave her a small smile of encouragement. “He’s awake. You can go in.”

Unsure how this conversation would go, Jane approached the bed.

Kurt didn’t look awake. The room’s lighting was dimmed, and she guessed that must be to ease his headache. Even so, she could tell he was still very pale, his eyes closed and his body motionless. His physical pain would be hard enough for him to deal with, but the emotional toll of losing his memory—of going back to what she knew was a very hard time in his life—must be excruciating. She hadn’t been able to sleep last night for worrying—about him, and about their relationship.

Even so, the Band Aid Bethany had stuck on top of Kurt’s bandages made Jane’s spirits rise a little. At least he had some good news—that he had a daughter who adored him—to go along with the bad.

Had he gone back to sleep in the moments between the nurse leaving and her entering the room? If so, she didn’t want to disturb him. As quietly as she could, she moved the visitor’s chair closer to the bed and sat down.

“Jane?” He didn’t open his eyes, but turned his head in her general direction.

“Yeah. How’d you know it was me?” She spoke as softly as he had, not wanting to aggravate his headache.

“Educated guess.” After a moment, he elaborated, “Allie mentioned you were next up on the schedule.”

The dryness of the comment made her wonder if he resented the way they were dealing with this. “We’re not trying to manage you, I swear. We just don’t want to overwhelm you.”

He gave a slight shrug. “It’s okay. I get it.”

Concerned that he still hadn’t opened his eyes, Jane asked, “Are you in a lot of pain? How long until your next dose of meds?”

“Not allowed any pain relief until after the brain scan.” He grimaced. “I’ll cope. I’ve felt worse, once or twice.”

“Do you want me to leave you in peace?” Jane didn’t want to go, but under the circumstances, his comfort was more important.

“No, stay. We should…” He hesitated. “We should talk.”

Again, Jane was unsure whether to be optimistic or afraid. “I’m here, Kurt.”

He cracked open one eye and flinched, obviously suffering.

“It’s okay. You can keep your eyes closed.” It was difficult to watch him struggle and not be able to help. Jane’s fingers twitched with the urge to hold his hand, but she remained otherwise still, knowing how much he must still distrust her.

Her stubborn husband forced his eyes all the way open anyway, blinking rapidly a few times before focusing on her face. “Allie, uh… She mentioned that you saved her life while she was pregnant. That you would have been gunned down trying to get her to safety, if we hadn’t gotten there in time to cover you.”

“Oh, I, uh…” Jane scrambled for a response, mentally cursing Allie for not giving her a heads-up about this. It had happened during a dark time in her remembered life, and she hadn’t thought about it in years. “She didn’t mention she was gonna tell you about that.”

To her surprise, he reached for her hand and squeezed it firmly, holding her gaze. “Thank you. It means a lot to me.”

She nodded, feeling as awkward as she had the first time they’d had this conversation. “After everything I did, it was the least I could do for you, right?”

He frowned, pulling his hand back at the reminder of their troubled past. “I never would have expected you to die for me, Jane.” After a moment, doubt crept into his eyes. “Unless I said otherwise at the time…?”

“No,” she assured him hastily, shaking her head. “We, um, we never really went that far into it. I was just glad I could help.”

Did he suspect that she’d resigned herself to death, determined to follow his instructions to keep Allie safe, no matter what? Did he sense she’d felt that she had little reason to live at the time, and that dying for a good cause had seemed worth it?

At the time, she’d deflected Kurt from thinking too much about it by congratulating him on his upcoming fatherhood. She didn’t have that to fall back on now, but she did have a similar card to play.

“Bethany’s visit seemed to be going well when I stopped by earlier.”

Kurt’s face softened, the way she’d known it would. “Yeah. I don’t remember ever meeting her before, but it still feels like I know her, somehow.”

Jane relaxed at the successful change of subject. “That’s a good sign, right? It means you do remember her, even if your brain is having trouble accessing it right now.”

“Let’s hope so.” He closed his eyes again, sighing. “Maybe when I get out of the damn hospital, I’ll start getting a few flashes, like you did.”

“Maybe.” Jane couldn’t help but smile a little, remembering the methods the team had employed to try to trigger some of her own memories. “If not, we’ll just take you out into the field and hope something comes back.”

Kurt gave a wry smile, his eyes still closed. He must have thought it was important to look at her while he thanked her for saving Allie and Bethany, but he was clearly paying the price for that decision with an intensified headache. Jane gazed at him sadly, still hardly able to believe they’d lost all the progress they’d made. All she wanted to do was kiss him and tell him she was there for him, whether he regained his memories or not—but since he’d called her a terrorist only a day earlier, she didn’t think they were back at that stage of their relationship yet.

And that reminded her…

“There was something I wanted to ask you about.”

Although his eyes were closed, she sensed his focus intensifying on her anyway. “Can’t promise I’ll know the answer, but you can ask.”

Jane steeled herself for the rejection she was pretty sure was coming, pausing for a moment to consider her phrasing, then taking the plunge. “The doctor mentioned maybe letting you go home tonight, if the brain scan looks good, but only on the condition that someone’s there with you. I just don’t want to assume that that someone will be me. Allie’s offered to stay with you if you’d be more comfortable. Patterson, too. Zapata’s offered me the use of her couch for the time being, so I’ll have somewhere to go if you need some space.”

Kurt went still as she spoke, as though only just processing the situation in full. “We live together now, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Same Brooklyn apartment, or did we sell it when we moved out to Colorado?”

“It’s the same one.” That would make things easier for him, she hoped.

He sighed, rubbing his forehead wearily. “I’m not gonna force you out of your home, Jane. As long as we sleep in separate beds, I’ll be fine.”

Struck by another pang of grief for their lost closeness, Jane nodded, then realised he couldn’t see it. “Only if you’re sure. I heard you tell Zapata you didn’t want to be in the same room as me, back then. If that’s how you feel now—”

He shrugged. “Things aren’t right between us, but everyone is telling me not to be so hard on you. Since they know things I don’t, I guess I should trust their judgement.”

Pushing away hurt, Jane tried to look on the bright side. At least he wasn’t shunning her company altogether. At least, not yet. She should probably deal with the other problem they were sure to face, while they were talking like this.

“Kurt, there’s one more thing I think it’s important that you know right now. And you’re probably not gonna like it.”

He tensed up, waiting.

Jane swallowed hard, half convinced she was about to lose the tenuous connection she had built with him over the course of this conversation. _Just do it. Hiding things until he remembers them won’t help._

“Earlier this year, I, uh… I left you. Left our marriage, for a week or so.”

Kurt opened his eyes to stare at her, giving only the slightest sign that he was in pain. His confusion seemed tinged with alarm. “What happened?”

Jane shook her head. “We were both at fault. We both kept things from each other that we shouldn’t have, made some bad decisions. Roman had gotten involved to make everything worse, and I…I decided I couldn’t deal with what you hadn’t told me.” She forced herself to breathe, then pushed on. “I know you’ll want to know reasons, but honestly, I’m afraid to go into detail right now. We barely got through it the first time, and our relationship was strong when the truth came out. I don’t want to hide anything from you, but if you hear it now, when you can’t remember any of our marriage, I’m scared you’ll be the one who leaves me. Permanently.”

His words edged with frustration, Kurt demanded, “So why tell me it happened at all, if you’re only gonna make vague hints?”

“Because when your memories start coming back, I don’t want you to think I was trying to hide that it happened.” Her voice came out sharper than she intended, and she closed her eyes in self-recrimination, softening her tone. “I don’t know if you can forgive me again, for all of the pain I’ve put you through. There are some details that no one on the team knows, but if you can’t trust me that it’s better you remember on your own, you can ask them for what they do know. I won’t tell them to keep anything from you.”

Fighting tears, she stood up. “I’ll let you get some rest, and we can talk about it again when you’re home, okay? I love you.”

As she left the room, he spoke her name, uncertainty and irritation in his voice. Maybe it was cowardly to pretend she hadn’t heard him, but Kurt was too important to her to lose again, before he’d had the opportunity to remember some of the good times as well as the bad. She just hoped she’d made the right decision in revealing that they’d had marital issues, even if she was withholding the details.

In his shoes, she’d be furious that he was keeping information from her, but it was better he was mad at her for that than for the whole truth. If he heard about the Avery situation, or her night with Clem, without any of their happy relationship memories to offset those things, there’d be no hope for them.


End file.
